What You can Learn from Your Ex's
I contacted two of my ex’s to ask if they’d be willing to hop on a call and answer questions I had about the way I showed up in the relationship.
They obliged.
This idea wasn’t my own, it was an activity in the book, The Game of Desire, written by a womxn I’ve admired for years, Shan Boodram.
The goal behind this exercise was to gain clarity on where I showed up short, and which parts of myself I could work on. And as someone who voluntarily asks for feedback, especially from partners—to my surprise, I felt resistant to do this.
The story I kept telling myself was, “I’ve done so much work on myself since those relationships, it wouldn’t accurately represent who I am now. Additionally, I know where I went wrong, I don’t need them to tell me.”
LOL. Oh, the ego. 🤣
To an extent, that was true, I have changed, I do know where I fucked up...
...nevertheless, an outside perspective offers a different look and can show you blind spots. Plus, knowing I didn’t want to hear it meant I needed to hear it.
So, I chucked my ego out the door and I received some pretty and not-so-pretty feedback.
The pretty: I’m a great listener; I make an effort to understand and meet my partners needs; I’m not a negative person; I effectively apologize and own up to my wrongdoings; I’m independent.
The not-so-pretty: I have the tendency to be distant, especially when I’m upset; I shutdown and close off during conflict; I fail to vocalize my own needs and feelings; I don’t ask for enough.
Conversations that highlight where you’re wrong and showcase your demons are known to be and usually are challenging.
But, avoiding things because they’re hard and uncomfortable doesn’t get you very far.
What I reminded myself in this process is that receiving constructive criticism and bringing awareness to my maladaptive patterns are without a doubt, important AF.
Important for growth, for happiness, and for the betterment of life.
My challenge to you this week is similar to the challenge Shan assigned to me: ask for feedback from someone you trust on how you can be a better human.
...and definitely go purchase the book because it’s fucking incredible 📖🤯