A Year of Healing

Most of the year looked a lot like this. Crying, endlessly and sitting in an unbearable amount of pain because I needed to heal.

Moving across the country to a place where I knew almost no one meant spending more time alone. And as I did, I realized how many years I spent escaping this very place.

As I sat in solitude, exploring why it felt so uncomfortable to sit here, it became clear. There was nothing, no one to distract me from my painful memories, insecurities, traumas, and troubled thoughts.

Years before this, I used people to avoid, and that partly fed into why I was co-dependent.

Yuck. That didn’t feel good to admit, but it was my truth. And the first step in healing—anything—is to invite in awareness. The second step is to face your demons.

So, I did. I read various books, hired a mentor (shout-out to @operation_moksha ), and worked through the shadows of my being that I once ran from.

This process made me more self-aware than ever. I noticed my patterns, habits, addictions, unresolved traumas. I had earth-shattering realizations. I saw the ways my relationship with my father showed up in various parts of my life; this constant need to seek approval, prove myself, and yet to still feel like it, I was never enough.

Once you see it all, you can’t unsee. And there’s a lot of power in that, because you can then choose to change it.

And I did. And changed dramatically.

I, for the first time in my life, love being alone. I actually need space from others, regularly. I communicate and show up differently in my relationships. I no longer trivialize my needs or act out passive aggressively. I vocalize how I feel, especially when it’s hard. I set boundaries, even when it won’t please others.

Most importantly, I don’t use people anymore. Anyone in my life is there because I want them, not because I need them.

Healing is work. It’s not easy work. It’s overwhelming, painful, scary, isolating at times, but it is worth it.

I’m fucking proud of me. Thank you 2019 for everything you did to bring me here. I’m ready to kiss my way (😂) into 2020 as the most powerful womxn I’ve ever been.

Happy New Year, lovers.