I Was Afraid To Be Alone

Historically, I was notorious for always being in a relationship, because I was afraid to be alone.

Solitude felt much like a haunted house. If I dared to go in, I’d be doomed. Everything I feared—pain, trauma, heartache, emptiness, loneliness—would be there, lurking in the corner, waiting to jump out when I’m most vulnerable.

I thought, if I walked into a relationship instead I'd successfully deflect my fear. But turns out, avoidance has insidious affects; those fears followed me and haunted every partnership I was in.

I clung to people who weren’t good for me. I dated people I only kinda-liked. I stayed in relationships far past the expiration date. I bled on people who didn’t hurt me.

People essentially were bandaids, covering up my wounds.

Until, one day last October, I recognized all the ways I was the one creating my own suffering. That I needed to be responsible for my own healing, not put it in the hands of others.

And so, I *finally* severed the relationship with my then-partner, and decided to conjure up the courage to explore what hid in the depths of that house.

And to my surprise, I not only came out alive, but I came out wanting to go back in.

All this time, I had been robbing myself of wealthy knowledge and discoveries that lived in the place I previously didn’t care to look.

Solitariness, I’ve learned, isn’t a curse...it’s a gift. A place to gain wisdom, inner peace, clarity, create solutions, and heal what’s hurting.

Journeying into my discomfort instead of away made me stronger, braver, more malleable, and solid in my being.

I’ve been single for about a year now, and I’m in no rush to change that.

I’m completely comfortable alone. And what I’ve realized is, when you’re okay existing with just you, it makes it easier to choose people because you truly want to.

I’m picky now about who I give my energy to, and who I spend my time with. And as I’ve honed what I want and look for in a lover, in a partner, in a friend—I’ve learned how high my standards actually are, and I’m no longer afraid to turn away from anything less.

And there’s so much freedom in that.

Confront your fears, my loves. For there lies your liberation.

Previous
Previous

Getting Rejected On a Date

Next
Next

I Gained Twenty Pounds and I've Never Been Healthier and Happier