Tears on Christmas
βπ°π ππππ πππ ππππ ππβπ πππππ ππ ππππ ππ?β I think to myself. Anxiously waiting by my phone hoping to hear a ring...to hear his voice.
As the hours pass by, the hope dissipates and my answer is clear. He isnβt going to call me.
A harsh reality I have to accept every single year.
This holiday is terribly triggering. The absence of my father brings heartache and pain and resentment and frustration and all these unresolved questions Iβve been pondering for years now.
As I sit here on my very first Christmas in complete solitudeβthe loneliness is weighing heavy on me. Not necessarily because Iβm isolated, but because there are no distractions to keep my head space preoccupied.
Iβm alone and being alone opens up more space to think about him. Iβm not just thinking about him calling, Iβm thinking about everything that involves him. Iβve been crying on and offβwhich isnβt unusual for meβbut itβs more tears than usual.
It really fucking hurts.
I share this because this holiday might be hard for you, too. I know thereβs nothing I could possibly say to take the pain away, but I do want you to know youβre not alone.
I see you. I feel you. I understand how hard this day can be for you. Itβs not going to feel okay, and that is okay. Your experience and your feelings are completely valid.
I love you. Iβm here for you if you need me.
Devi