My Relationship With Alcohol
My relationship with alcohol has shifted in many directions over the years.
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Fear, at one point, persuaded me to avoid it altogether. Most of it was rooted in my eating disorder, but another part, was witnessing people I love ruin their lives from drinking.
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I sheltered myself during that time. I was so wrapped up in my disordered patterns, I’d decline social invitations because I didn’t want to “mess up” my diet or gain weight. And of course, I didn’t want to follow in the footsteps of what was modeled to me.
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Throughout my recovery, because I had been so deprived—not only from food, but from socializing—I started to go out more. That created a radical deviation, going out more lead to drinking more.
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Suddenly, I was presented with another set of challenges: the influence people had on me, coupled with my previous inability to mindfully consume lead to drinking far more than I needed (and wanted) too.
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It didn’t matter how much I drank, if someone offered another, without hesitation, I’d say yes.
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Thankfully, it never got out of control, as I still considered the alcoholism that runs through my bloodline. But nonetheless, the choices I made didn’t empower me by any stretch.
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I repeated the same conversation every weekend, “Why did I drink so much? I feel like shit. I don’t want to do this.”
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I didn’t want to stop drinking, that wouldn’t have aligned with me either, because your girl is a oenophile at heart. But I certainly didn’t want to continue drinking in the way that I was—drinking out of conformity.
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As powerful as social pressure is, I knew I was also just as powerful. So, I started using my voice to say “no, thank you” and actively invited awareness into my decision making. Before giving a yes, there was an internal dialogue of: do I* want one more? And should I have one more, or is one more superfluous?
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My relationship with alcohol now is healthy, it’s mindful. It’s having it when I want it and declining when I don’t—independent of others.
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My encouragement to you is to make choices based off what empowers you and what feels right to you. To be mindful and question the reasoning for doing something. Not to conform, but be autonomous.
Love,
Devi