Depression is My Roommate
You can’t tell me what to do!” I mouth back to depression.
Depression is one of my roommates. They moved in last year, around this time. When we were introduced, they reminded me of other people I know very well, seasonal depression and situational depression. But they were different. They were enigmatic and darker. I’ve never known a darkness like this before.
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I didn’t like seasonal or situational, but after meeting this depression, it made them look good. They at least told me why they came to bother me, this depression didn’t. They just came to bother me, without any reason.
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“idk-why-the-fuck-you’re-making-me-feel-this-way! My life is better than it’s ever been, why are you dragging me down?” a query I had that they left unanswered.
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When we first started living together, I immediately couldn’t wait until the lease was up. It’s all I dreamed about, “I’m ready for them to leave now.” They were demanding and cantankerous.
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They‘d aggressively knock on my door and tell me what to do. Don’t leave the house. Don’t talk to anyone, they don’t want to talk to you anyway. Don’t move. Stay in bed. Lay there and listen to all the dark thoughts. Let it consume you, swallow you, empty you.
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Depression is convincing and for a long while, I was convinced. Until I wasn’t. Until I knew better. Until one day I accepted that they lived in my home and I just needed to learn how to co-habitate with them in peace.
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I recognized trying to escape them only made them fight harder and I became defeated because I couldn’t get away.
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As much as I love when they don’t bother me and hibernate in their room, I know it’s unrealistic of me to assume they’ll never come out.
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I understand now.
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I don’t need to fight against them, I just need to learn to exist with them.
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So now, instead of arguing about why they’re here and how I don’t want them around—I say hello when they say hi.
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I say I see that you’ll be here with me today, following me around but you can only do that. You don’t lead. I do. I am the authority. You are not in control anymore.
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I am stronger than depression. I am more than depression. And so are you.