Are You Playing Victim?

On November 19th of last year, I left Manhattan, a relationship, and my best friends to move across the country to a place I’d only ever visited once.
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I was feeling...heartbroken, afraid, proud, uncertain, overwhelmed, hopeful...all the things; all of them except, ready.
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Moving to the city was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made—so was leaving. And that wasn’t exactly a choice I wanted to make, but it was one I knew I needed to make.
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I no longer wanted to watch myself play victim as I crumbled in the process of it.
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I couldn’t bare to hear myself complain and repeat the same conversation about what I wasn’t happy with one more time.
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I was done pretending like I couldn’t fix what was happening. Done acting like I could point fingers, when in reality...there was only one person to blame and that was myself.
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Because ultimately, it was my choice. It was my decision to stay in a place with a person who hurt me, repeatedly.
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And so I *finally* decided that I didn’t want what I was choosing and I chose something else and that’s when I chose California.
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Choices like these aren’t always easy. And even when we know it’s a choice we need to make, we can feel resistant and dubious about our decision—I for sure did.
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Sometimes I wish people could’ve see me when I was in the middle of my suffering.
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To hear the several conversations I exchanged with friends complaining about the exact same problem and not creating any solutions.
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To feel the strength of the fear sitting inside me when I decided to move. To witness the many times I almost convinced myself to stay.
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To watch me cry the minute I left my NYC apartment until I rested my head on the pillow and fell asleep in my new & empty Cali apartment.
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To realize that I’m just as guilty of playing victim, too. To know I struggled, because IG didn’t capture that. But it is the truth and I’m sharing that with you now.
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Sharing because I want to encourage you to do the same. To leave whatever it is that’s hurting you—people, places, jobs, thoughts, beliefs—because you deserve it. Because there’s more to this life than what you’ve been choosing. 🖤
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It’s not going to be easy, but it is going to be worth it.